Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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