I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
