I just saw a hot homeless man
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
