Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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