Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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