This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
