Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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