Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
