Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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