I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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