Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
