he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
