how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Randomize
