using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
