Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
