I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
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he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
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I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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