I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
do herpes really smell.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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