I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
