At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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