last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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