Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
