just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
