spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
