he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
