Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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