So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
