i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
