i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
what day is it and did you see me today?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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