Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
