and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
