My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
