I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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