I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
