I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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