i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
