textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
