hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
