I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
