Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
