Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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