The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
