I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
