he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
