i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
