Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The struggles of a small town man whore
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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