I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My cat gives me a boner
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
i think my cat just said my name.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
