we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
