my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
