Can i not drive my cunt home
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
