woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
