I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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