buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
