u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
