That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
