Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
