Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
My vagina is officially offended.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Randomize
