bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
nutella sex= disaster
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
