I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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