watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
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Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
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I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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