u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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